More About Fathers

So, DNA testing reveals that Al Sharpton’s ancestors were owned by Strom Thurmond’s ancestors (or maybe by Thurmond himself –he was old enough to have been a slaveholder, wasn’t he?) back in the day.

For once, Sharpton seemed a little subdued. You can imagine him thinking, sheee-it! If it weren’t for Abe Lincoln I’d probably have been pushing that old fart's wheelchair through the Senate for the past fifty years. Call me “boy.” Have to get my hair processed, like those old Pullman porters. Chattanooga choo-choo. Hoo, boy! Old mutha fucka, Thurmond. Ugly white guy, too. Damn! Good thing he’s dead; I can just hear the sanctimonious shit he’d be sayin’. “Those old days are past.” And “I don’t b’lieve in some Dee-‘n’-A, anyway.” But he’d be thinkin’ “that Sharpton doesn’t look like he could mix a decent mint julep. Looks like he’s better at drinkin’ ‘em! B’longs behind a mule anyhow, plowin’ his forty acres.” And some such. Sayin’ it to all those honkies in the Senate cloakroom. But they can’t say it to my face; fixed ‘em on that! Old Bastards. Maybe my picture’s never gonna be on a quarter; but at least I don’t have to listen to that shit.

But I wonder, now that DNA testing can tell us all which mudhole our ancestors crawled out of, how long it’ll be before people start suing one another because someone’s remote ancestor did something to someone else’s remote ancestor.

The Thurmond-Sharpton connection is too good to have been dreamed up. But, to wrap up this particular bit of idleness, here are my favorite future DNA “finds:”

Mahatma Ghandi – ancestor of Scottie Pippen.
Moses – DNA tests prove he was an ancestor of Charleton Heston. Recall the moment in Exodus where Moses tells Pharoah, “You’ll have to take this staff from my cold, dead hand!”
Dick Clark – DNA testing reveals he is a direct descendant of Dick Clark.
George W. Bush – Testing reveals only DN. No “A” anywhere in his background.
Dick Cheney – His ancestors were owned by the Hudson Bay Company, and were distributed as stock options to the ancestors of Jon Stewart.
Walt Whitman – ancestor of one of the “Queer Eye” boys.
Hillary Clinton – direct descendant of Carmen (from the opera).
Former Secretary General of the UN Boutros Boutros Ghali – DNA tests reveal he’s a direct descendant of Boutros Boutros Boutros. “Golly!” he says.
Jim Carrey – a direct descendant of Moses “Rubberface” Maimonides.

And so on.